Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize