dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
