VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
