ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
