Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize