I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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