Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
