why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
