i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
