first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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