I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize