Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
