the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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