Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize