Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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