Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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