Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
