Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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