...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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