One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
