I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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