I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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