the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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