why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
