I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
