And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
