i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
