You just made me feel so damn special
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Help. Why am I so naked?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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