I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
