Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
