Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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