stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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