Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
