I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
