mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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