On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize