We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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