FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
