I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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