worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
