Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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