don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
