just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
