I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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