I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
