You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
