your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
When are your genitals available?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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