I'm gonna have a badass scar
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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