i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just puked most of my soul out..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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