God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The uberlube is also flammable
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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