I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
