It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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