In the future we'll all be gay
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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