Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
