I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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