so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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