Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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