I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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