so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dicks are not precious.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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