Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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