the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
