I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't deserve a penis
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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