I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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