just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
