Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
tell me about the eggs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
