Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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