dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
